Highlights and results: The Best and The Wildest of Redneck Brawl 7

Another Redneck Brawl has come and gone, as a raucous Oklahoma City crowd and a devoted pay-per-view TV audience say farewell to Redneck Brawl 7: Oklahoma vs Texas.

The main event tonight was a much anticipated showdown between Tyler “Playboy” Holmes and comedian, musician, social media presence, and all-around post-millennium renaissance man Catfish Cooley, the sweet-heartedly vulgar, unfiltered id of the Redneck Brawl commentary team.

Cooley is the beating heart of the show, handling the Redneck Brawl’s closest approximation of play-by-play duties with his signature mix of humor and energy. It’s a persona that Bad Left Hook previously described as “like Jack Black and Larry the Cable Guy had a baby, and raised it in a house absolutely caked in old lead paint.”

But, inspired by the excitement of the previous six Brawls, and the recent health and fitness changes that have seen him lose over 80 pounds in the past year, Cooley stepped away from the microphone about 2/3rds of the way through the broadcast to prepare for his first ever ring appearance.

Cooley gave a game effort, and landed his fair share of bombs. But, in the end, it was Redneck Brawl veteran Tyler “Playboy” Holmes who emerged the victor, earning himself another champion’s crown, the $500 prize for winning a fight, and an extra $1,000 Cooley wagered on the fight with him.

Georgia Outlaw knocks out previously undefeated Sasquatch

One of the most recognizable Redneck Brawl regulars is Christopher “Sasquatch” Akers, a 6’7”, 300+ lbs mountain of a man with a signature move that involves laying on his opponent with one forearm across their windpipe, using his height to smother them and leave them flailing helplessly while he hits them with chopping hammer fist strikes.

Unfortunately for Sasquatch, the Oklahoma Athletic Commission overseeing this fight would not allow any of those tactics, and opponent James “Georgia Outlaw” Scoggins was savvy enough to dodge him like an expert matador. Scoggins bided his time, and eventually landed a magnificent power shot that put Sasquatch down and out, ending things by KO-1.

Most Improved Fighter

Stephen “Country Boot Gang” Sings was a risky pick to open the show. The former JUCO basketball center used all the advantages of his 6’9” frame in his debut performance last time out at Redneck Brawl 6, fighting a methodical, jab-heavy style that focused on controlling distance. It didn’t do much for crowd satisfaction, though, and the West Virginia audience made their dissatisfaction known with a loud chorus of boos.

But, Country Boot Gang came out tonight like a human cannonball, swarming Matt “Squeaky” Davis from the opening bell and putting on an excellent show. Is he the greatest 6’9” welterweight the novelty boxing-esque universe has ever seen? Possibly!

Questionable Fashion Choices

Steve “Border Brawler” Carmona, and his boxer short underpants that extended a few inches past the bottom of his actual shorts.

This Ring Card Girl, who I thought looked pretty cool and unconventional in a cow print outfit and a unique, tasseled hat. But, commentary described her headgear as “looking like a lampshade,” and it’s a joke too good to exclude here.

Ray “Wild Behemoth” Dozier, and his unusual choice of boxing shoes. Were they combat boots, for combat? Work boots, for putting in work? Not sure. Seemed like a terrible choice, but then he won by TKO-2, so who am I to judge?

Allen “Peewee” Miller, who got a lot of value out of a chicken suit he used across his hype videos, weigh-in staredown, and ring entrance. Oklahoma was more restrictive than other Brawl venues, where we’ve seen fighters compete in Stormtrooper armor. Most participants couldn’t even wear shirts, so the chicken outfit couldn’t stay on for the fight itself.

Brent “Hood McGregor” Troyer couldn’t get his glove untaped, or didn’t realize he needed to before trying to remove it. After several fumbling attempts, he finally got an assist from Conspiracy Smokeshow, who threw all of her weight into pulling off the glove.

Scariest Moment

Jon “Rowdy Barbarian” Cumpston suffered an ugly leg injury when opponent Zachery “Bones” Vaught sent him to the canvas, then smothered him against the ropes and punched him repeatedly. Rowdy Barbarian couldn’t walk or stand without assistance, appearing to have torn something important and load bearing in his knee.

Rowdy Barbarian was named the winner by disqualification, but had to exit on a stretcher, and took a long time getting out of the ring and onto it. He did at least get the winner’s check for $500, which they literally put in his hand as he was being wheeled out of the arena.

Biggest Robbery (?)

Nicholas “El Jefe” Rogers deserved a victory for his dramatic rally against Gunner “G-Heavy” Luman, the all-but-vanquished man laid out across the ropes in the photo above. No disrespect to G-Heavy, who started hot and had an excellent 1st round… But, El Jefe came back and won the final two rounds on my unofficial scorecard. Were the judges paid off? Or, were they just dazzled by the tattoo of a dressed and cook-ready chicken G-Heavy has on his ample belly? We’ll likely never know for sure.

Biggest mistakes by a conventional boxing writer who keeps foolishly assuming he can predict who will and won’t perform well in the unconventional Redneck Brawl environment

In the fight previews for tonight’s action, I was skeptical about the prospects of Jarren “Pretty Boy” Twiner and Michelle “Miss Texas Sweets” Rodriguez.

I described Pretty Boy as someone who “looks like the sort of guy who has to take breaks from playing Madden because the controller sticks make his thumbs sore,” and speculated that his farmer opponent would blitz through him. Well, I was right that Chris “Slim” Kelley came in like a tornado, but absolutely wrong about how Pretty Boy would stand up to it. The pair gave us a wild, non-stop action fight, with Pretty Boy winning a well deserved decision.

I also assumed Miss Texas Sweets might not have the fighting spirit to handle previous Redneck Brawl champion Tiffany “Conspiracy Smokeshow” Baxter, but wound up reading the situation totally backwards. It was Miss Texas Sweets who dominated the opening round, prompting a corner retirement and winning by TKO-2.

If you missed the live show, you can catch up on our live coverage for all the fun and shenanigans that couldn’t fit into this recap. And join us in December (presumably) for live coverage and analysis of Redneck Brawl 8!

Until then: Here’s your full rundown of tonight’s results, with winners listed in bold, and all victories by decision unless otherwise specified:

• Stephen “Country Boot Gang” Sings vs Matt “Squeaky” Davis
• Alan “Big Sexy Al” Courtoul vs Brandon “Wild One” Glisson (TKO-1)
• Jared “Spark Plug” Assavedo vs Larry “Sauce Boss” Isaacs
• Dylon “D-Nasty” Scott (KO-1) vs Tyson “Fookshytup” Kurkowski
• Nathan “Alaskan Assassin” Drury vs Steve “Border Brawler” Carmona
• Anthony “Tennessee Cornbread” Jones (TKO-1) vs Tristan “T-Dawg” Williams
• Allen “Great White Honkey” Case vs Logan “Wild Woody” Woody
• Logan “Brawler Bear” Williams vs Ray “Wild Behemoth” Dozier (TKO-2)
• Jacob “Redneck Rambo” Wade vs Steven “Lil Scrappy” Brazille
• Cheyenne “Sheen Green” Green vs Denim “Buckshot” Burke
• Avery “Mesiah” Ruiz (TKO) vs Josh “Problem Child” Saxton
• Nicholas “El Jefe” Rogers vs Gunner “G-Heavy” Luman
• Julius “Macho Man” Perdue vs Blake “Wild Man” Cypert
• Alton “Big Worm” Guidry vs Kameron “Redneck Thor” Brooks
• Jarren “Pretty Boy” Twiner vs Chris “Slim” Kelley
• Rob “Double Barrel” Ginn vs Timothy “Fighting Irish” Garner – CANCELED DUE TO FAILED PHYSICALS
• Jacob “Lil Fire” Campbell vs Konner “K-Bean” Priest
• Anthony “Texas Chickasaw Brawler” May vs Josh “Red Bearded Woodpecker” Koplin
• Darrius “Ghetto Cowboy” Williams vs Joe “Tiny” Hughes
• Tyler “Alien” Markert vs Jaxon “White Tyson” Starling
• Robert “Lil Daddy” Muro vs Joseph “Hillbilly Joe” Gibson
• Jon “Rowdy Barbarian” Cumpston (DQ) vs Zachery “Bones” Vaught
• Trenton “White Lightning” Smith vs Allen “Peewee” Miller
• John “Big Country” Mathis vs Dustin “Big Duck” Murley
• Koal “Koal Buck” Livingston vs Kohl “White Lightning” Witter
• Tiffany “Conspiracy Smokeshow” Baxter vs Michelle “Miss Texas Sweets” Rodriguez (TKO-2)
• Justin “King of Horror” Jones vs Jimmy “Lil Smokey” Campbell
• Brent “Hood McGregor” Troyer (TKO-2) vs Dillon “Redneck Reaper” Harris
• James “Georgia Outlaw” Scoggins (KO-1) vs Christopher “Sasquatch” Akers
• “Catfish” Cooley vs Tyler “Playboy” Holmes