Highlights and results: All the best from Redneck Brawl 9

Internet problems and an occasionally unreliable stream weren’t enough to spoil another night of wild and violent fun at Redneck Brawl 9 from Knoxville, Tennessee. The promoters were calling for the venue’s IT support people during some choppy sections of the broadcast, but most of the 29 fights came through to deliver the reliable, ribald entertainment the Brawl has become known for as it starts Year 3.

Unfortunately, the worst of the interruptions came in the final two fights, where Georgia Outlaw took a decision victory over previously undefeated Tennessee Cornbread in the main event, and Shizzat Da Rizzat came off the mat to rally for a TKO-3 against Redneck Reaper. We did get to see Shizzat bring his Nana in the ring to celebrate victory, though.

Biggest Knockdown:

King Diabetic wasted no time putting the hurt on Maryville Maniac, sending him flying into the corner turnbuckle so hard that the ring broke. That led to an extended delay for repairs less than 10 seconds into the fight, but the break didn’t help Maryville Maniac much. King Diabetic dropped him twice more in the 2nd round to force the TKO stoppage.

Cleverest Sponsorship Deal:

Meth Mountain Maniac showed some initiative by inking multiple sponsors all over his body in Sharpie. Didn’t look like he got any financial support from his beloved baby oil companies, but he also didn’t have to lay any cash out on temporary tattoo ink.

He lost a well-fought decision and the $500 winner’s purse to Appalachian Assassin, but he seems to have made some pocket money from a bail bondsman and various other sponsorships. Half the people fighting tonight lost, but only one of them won by innovating in the emergent human NASCAR livery business.

Most Disgusting Finish:

Fan favorite Lil Smokey promised his fight tonight wouldn’t go past two rounds. You can make a semantic argument that a stoppage after the closing bell for Round 2 technically means he’s wrong, if you’re a stickler, quibbler, or some other sort of parse-obsessed hater. Either way, the 3rd round never started, because opponent Perc 30 was so wiped out by those two rounds of fighting that he started vomiting in the corner, which required the referee to stop the fight. Not many people can say they’ve beaten the puke out of someone in the ring!

Most Unfortunate Wardrobe Issue:

Sonya was supposed to fight in the last Brawl, but her opponent wasn’t cleared to participate. After months of waiting and another round of buildup, she finally got in the ring… And her shorts promptly ripped in a way that commentator Andrew Conn compared to “a busted can of biscuits.” Not only did she lose a substantial amount of butt cheek coverage, she also lost the fight, dropping a decision to Tater.

Best Unconventional/Illegal Attack:

Several people who couldn’t overcome their bodily instinct to turn away when under duress turned to the spinning backfist as a weapon of last resort. Is it a legal punch? Absolutely not. Was it effective? It certainly was for Wildman, who knocked String Bean down with it. Wildman couldn’t survive the 1st round, but he made it very interesting when he used some “veteran tactics” to dramatically turn the tables, however briefly it lasted.

Craziest Crowd Fight (Crowd Division):

No idea what this guy’s name is, but he got a few minutes of spotlight after briefly holding off two people before getting knocked to the floor and kicked in the face. Redneck Brawl Audience Member is only slightly safer than Spinal Tap Drummer or Star Trek Away Team Redshirt, but I’ve never seen anyone get it worse than that poor fellow.

Craziest Crowd Fight (Redneck Brawler Division):

Mama Jess was supposed to settle business in the ring tonight against Chantal. But, she didn’t make the 5 pm arrival time for her mandatory medical check, failing to show up to the arena until well after the show had started. Chantal got a walkover to the crown and the $500 prize, and Mama Jess was stuck listening to her gloat and talk trash.

Did Mama Jess cry about it? No, she did not. Instead, she waited patiently in the tunnel, and jumped Chantal as soon as she exited the ring.

The conventional thinkers probably looked on disapprovingly as Mama Jess got taken down by security and removed by police, possibly under arrest and facing assault charges. But the dreamers of the world saw a woman with brawling in her heart, who wouldn’t let minor concerns like medical safety or legal sanction stand between her and the fight she wanted.

There’s something beautiful, if felonious, about the indomitability of the fighting spirit, and the true warrior soul of the pure Redneck Brawler. And that’s the takeaway I’ll keep with me for the next three months as we all look forward to May, and Redneck Brawl 10.

Until then — Here’s your full rundown of tonight’s results, with winners listed in CAPS, and all victories by decision unless otherwise specified:

1. JORDAN “GRIM SLEEPER” SIMON KO-2 Trevor “Tennessee Wildboy” Bryant
2. JOHN “STRING BEAN” WILLIAMS TKO-1 Jason “Wildman” Garland
3. Nicole “Baked Bean” Starnes vs HANNAH “POOKIE” HEATH
4. Johnathan “Seymour Slasher” Webb vs MARSHALL “YETI” BLACK”
5. CAITLIN “TATER” ROGERS vs Holly “Sonya” Faucett
6. DAMION “SECRET CITY” KARTER vs Marcus “Holler Colossus” Grissom
7. Ryan “Alpha Dog” Killingsworth vs JOSEPH “JOSEPHUS” HYETT (KO-2)
8. KEEGAN “TENNESSEE REDNECK” NEWCOMER vs James “Lil J-Money” Bates
9. MICHAEL “SMOKEY MOUNTAIN REDNECK” WILL vs Timothy “King Yeti” Reid
10. Wesley “Nashville Nyquil” Tatrow vs DALTON “BY-GAWD” REED (KO-1)
11. Kayla “Mud Duck” Malone vs KRISTY “BABY GIRL” COLLINS
12. JAMES “WALKER DOG” WALKER vs Carson “Sudafed Crashout” Young TKO-3
13. Jonathan “Smiley” Smiley vs AUSTIN “2-PIECE” TUCKER
14. “Action” Jackson Holder vs JOSH “MUFFIN” SEXTON
15. Brandon “Maryville Maniac” Cockrell vs JAYSON “KING DIABETIC” BUTTREY (TKO-2)
16. BROOK “PEEKABOO” SMOCK vs Chelsie “Bounty Mamma” Hudgins
17. Tyler “Tennessee Tyrant” Yother vs TAYLOR “TAYLOR FROM THE TRAILER” MOUNTS
18. Matthew “Outlaw” Stanghoner vs BLAKE “BIG CHIEF” BONNER
19. JOHNNY “BIG BAD JOHN” HUTCHINSON TKO-3 Johnathan “Big Bad John” Hammers
20. ZACHARY “APPALACHIAN ASSASIN” MITCHELL vs Joby “Meth Mountain Maniac” Giles
21. JONATHAN “OUTLAW ON THE DRUMZ” PARROTT TKO-3 Michael “Mike Smash” Potocki
22. Jessica “Mama Jess” Harness vs KATELYN “CHANEL” PACK (DQ)
23. PAYTON “COWBOY BEV” BEVERLY vs Jacob “Lil Fire” Campbell
24. Jolly “Animal” Rogers vs JACOB “REDNECK RAMBO” WADE
25. AUSTIN “BAMBINO” MCCONKEY vs Julius “Macho Man” Perdue
26. “Party Marty” Haynes vs SKYLER “BIG BAD JOHN” IPOCK (TKO-2)
27. JACOB “LIL SMOKEY” CAMPBELL TKO-3 Caleb “Perc 30” Perkins
28. SHANE “SHIZZAT DA RIZZAT” REED TKO-3 Dillon “Redneck Reaper” Harris
29. Anthony “Tennessee Cornbread” Jones vs JAMES “GEORGIA OUTLAW” SCOGGINS